I recently started listening to Oprah’s A New Earth webcast with Eckhart Tolle. Tolle’s book, “A New Earth - Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose,” has become quite popular as a result of the Oprah series.
While I don’t agree with a lot of his scriptural interpretations, I’ve never been one to throw the baby out with the bathwater.
I found his discussion of the ego particularly helpful.
When he used the example of the child who cries when his toy is taken away from him, the light bulbs went off:
“The reason why such acute suffering occurs is concealed in the word ‘my,’ and it is structural…One of the most basic mind structures through which the ego comes into existence is identification.
The word ‘identification’ is derived from the Latin word idem, meaning ’same’ and facere, which means ‘to make.’ So when I identify with something, I ‘make it the same.’ The same as what? The same as I. I endow it with a sense of self, and so it becomes part of my ‘identity.’
One of the most basic levels of identification is with things: My toy later becomes my car, my house, my clothes, and so on.”
(Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth - Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose, p. 34-35)
Material items aren’t the only things capable of creating strong points of identification. Careers, group affiliations, social standing, beliefs of any kind…these can all hold similar power. And when they’re lost or displaced, well, all hell can break loose.
Where does fear come from and what purpose does it serve? I would venture to say (and I know I’ve read it somewhere) that fear is a protective mechanism. It keeps me from doing things that could potentially hurt me or put me in danger.
So in that regard, fear is my friend.
But what about fears that stem from events in my past or from what other people have said or done to me? They seem real enough. Couldn’t they be protecting me too?
I’ve alluded a couple of times on this blog to some, er…less than stellar periods in my childhood. Kids can be cruel. Kids without restraint can be downright vicious.
Second period math class in the 7th grade was my time for fear conditioning.
Let’s see…jeering, taunting, gesturing, labeling, name-calling, full-out rejection…. That pretty much summed up what it was like every time I walked into that classroom, with really no breaks at all.
I was ever so thankful for holidays, weekends, and the summer vacation I was able to finally leave that class behind for good…
…or so I thought.
I kept the memories.
Or maybe they kept me…
“I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” (Mark Twain)
Throughout my adulthood I’ve found my mind playing tricks on me when it’s come to these memories.
I saw many of the worst culprits from my junior high days several years ago at my 20 year high school reunion. They were so mellow they wouldn’t hurt a fly!
And yet, even after seeing these men and women in the present day, I found that the old memories still persisted, creating these imaginary fears of people and what they thought about me.
So if in time I’ve come to realize that the traumas of my past were still in my past, what do I do in the present time?
False Evidence Appearing Real
I used to think that acronym was a little hokey until I began to understand how my imagination could work either for or against me.
What I’ve come to realize is that I have a choice when it comes to my fears, especially the ones that could stand to cripple me as I attempt to move forward.
A lot of times it involves completely blocking out the fear, ignoring it, and just doing whatever it is I have to do despite it. When I did my little exercise meeting and striking up conversations with strangers (see Identity Transformation: Using Gentle Persuasion to Change Your Beliefs) that’s what I was doing.
I’ve played various sports (basketball, volleyball, softball) for the sole purpose of learning to master my fears. I ended up having a lot of fun and picking up some new skills in the process.
Ultimately, what really happens when I face my fears is that I end up teaching myself a whole new way to be, think, and do. I become a different person.
Early last year I attended a meeting for entrepreneurs and business owners in the Chicago area. At one point the moderator asked each of us to identify what we were afraid of. I honestly can’t remember anyone else’s answer, but I sure do remember mine: People.
Now mind you, many of these individuals had known me for several years and I could tell by the looks on their faces that they were a little in disbelief as to what I just said.
To those who know me, I appear to be an outgoing individual. I’m the guy who LOVES karaoke! And many of the people in the room that day had come to know me as someone who had already achieved a certain level of success in what I was doing. In fact, everything that got me to where I was involved people!
So what up with this fear of people???
Wow! Well, this one will take a few posts to unpack, that’s for sure!
Let me put a warning label/disclaimer on this series:
While I will talk about the past, and even to a degree the present, I am more and more convinced that neither past nor present make a hill of beans difference when it comes to determining my future. Nil. Zip. Nada squada.
Okay, now that that’s out there, let me tell you what I think about some sections of my childhood: They sucked. Note that I said “sections,” not my entire childhood!
I am 42 years old, and while memories of the past do creep up on me from time to time and cause this kind of “fear seizure,” all I can say is “who cares?” There will always be something.
And I’ve also come to realize that there are plenty of new and recent memories that cause the same kinds of responses in me that the old ones do, which makes me think, “hmmmmm…maybe there’s something else behind this…”
“You might ask, ‘Isn’t my identity limited by my experience?’ No, it’s limited by your interpretation of your experience. Your identity is nothing but the decisions you’ve made about who you are, what you’ve decided to fuse yourself with.”
I don’t know about you, but the moment I decide that I want to change something in my life, all of my resistance sets in.
I had a Sheltie growing up and it always cracked me up whenever I pulled her chain hard to come with me. She would always pull back. We’re talking full-out resistance and totally digging her paws in the ground so as not to budge!
I remember times I would pull her leash hard on purpose just to watch her do it. It never failed. She would aways fight me!
The best approach was to gently coax her and lightly pull her leash. She would always go where I wanted when I handled her that way!
“As we develop new beliefs about who we are, our behavior will change to support the new identity.”
(Tony Robbins, Awaken the Giant Within, p. 416)
I firmly believe it’s possible to do almost anything I set my mind to. It’s the “setting my mind to” part that’s the most challenging! This requires cooperation and gentle coaxing with myself.The forced approach rarely works.
You see, when I set my mind to doing something new or unfamiliar, I dig my own “paws” in the ground to resist moving forward.
Several years ago I was invited to help facilitate a workshop designed to assist attendees in breaking through the things that held them back. I figured I should probably do my own homework on that subject and decided to spend the day walking around busy areas of town and practice introducing myself to and talking with strangers.
The thought of doing this practically put me in a state of paralysis.
How did I get past that? I began imagining myself meeting people and having a great experience doing it. I began developing a positive picture in my mind of what I was going to do and then I just started doing it.
I had a blast!
So what am I talking about here? My beliefs about who I am and what I can do are malleable rather than fixed. They can change.
Imagination, visualization, meditation, affirmations…these are all methods of gently coaxing my new beliefs forward until they become part of me. New behaviors are sure to follow.
Breaking away from the pack, rising above the norm, living a life of excellence…in a world of “don’t rock the boat” complacency, acting in a manner that sets you apart can certainly draw the fire of critics.
Yep! I struggle with this one! And while I do fear the critics (keeping it honest here), the one I unfortunately heed the most is myself.
“Our sense of certainty about who we are creates the boundaries and limits within which we live.” (Tony Robbins, Awaken the Giant Within, p. 413)
Sometimes I can be pretty opinionated over what I believe about myself and what I can do. Okay, “pretty opinionated” is a little tame. How about TONS opinionated?
When I returned from my trip to the future (see Handling Discouragement: Developing a Passion), I shared that listening to my own “opinions” about what others thought was one of the biggest challenges on my way to success.
This drive to be consistent with who I believe I am can be pretty powerful. I know that whenever I venture away from those core beliefs, not only do I feel uncertain, I feel pretty dang anxious.
“…changing ourselves - changing the essence of who we are - is perceived by most to be impossible. The common response , ‘I’m just this way,’ is a phrase that murders dreams. It carries with it the sentence of an unchangeable and permanent problem.”
(Tony Robbins, Awaken the Giant Within, p. 415)
But here’s the rub: it’s either change addresses or live a mediocre, unfulfilled, dispassionate life. Hmmmm…let me think that one over… Okay! Let’s pack it up!
I’m not a theologian by any stretch of the imagination, so this is my bare-bones, working man’s (or shall I say Lab Rat’s?) definition of the word:
Faith is believing, and even seeing in your mind’s eye, something you cannot physically see or sense.
It’s believing something to be real and true, even if it is contrary to or conflicts with what you are experiencing. There is no evidence that it is true but you believe it is true.
This is probably where we get the term “blind faith” from.
I think most people are introduced to the idea of faith in conjunction with some type of spiritual belief, however I don’t believe that any religion has a corner on the market when it comes to faith. I believe it is available to anyone for the taking.
One of the top songs in my daily ritual for success is “Faith” by a Swedish artist named Leana. It’s another one of those songs (and yes, there a LOT of those songs) that really resonates with me.
The lyrics are very simple. Here’s a sampling…
I didn’t want to know you
Didn’t want to show you
Who I was
What if I told you?
What if I showed you?
Would you see? Maybe, baby
‘Cause when I open the door
I just want to make sure
I won’t need to close it again
Faith
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
‘Cause I’ve been waiting such a long time
I’ve found it extremely easy to live in and believe that the only reality is the reality that I experience today with my physical senses. That includes beliefs I’ve come to adopt over time.
Beliefs about my value, worth, abilities, talents, skills.
Beliefs about my relationships, family, friends, income, job.
Beliefs about what I can accomplish in life.
Beliefs about what I can give in life.
But what about faith?
If I, David, want to make any kind of change in my life, to some degree I have to believe it is possible before receiving any kind of evidence that it is.
About ten years ago I was taking a medication that caused my weight to balloon out 25 pounds. To this day I can’t stand looking at pictures of myself from that time. When I spoke with the doctor about my concerns, she told me to get used to it because it was a known side effect and nothing could be done to change it.
For awhile I believed her.
Then I heard about a book called “Body for Life” and I saw all these Before and After pictures of people who’d transformed themselves physically in 90 days.
My mind went to the possibility of believing something else.
I followed the principles and steps laid out in the book, even though I had NO EVIDENCE that it would work for me.
I would call that faith.
I would also call every day I worked out and every meal I ate and every glass of water I drank and every supplement I took mini steps of faith throughout the whole process.
I lost the 25 pounds.
Here’s the best part: when that doctor saw me, she couldn’t believe it. Now how’s that for irony!!!
There is a real dance with faith when it comes to pursuing goals and dreams. And it can be tainted with a lot of ambivalence at times…
I didn’t want to know you
Didn’t want to show you
Who I was
What if I told you?
What if I showed you?
Would you see? Maybe, baby
‘Cause when I open the door
I just want to make sure
I won’t need to close it again
So, on the edge of making any kind of decision to move forward in anything in life (new career, new relationship, new body, new business, new habits), faith stands willing to take its believers across the bridge into that new reality.
And honestly, I believe it even has the capability of carrying us all the way across until our feet are firmly planted in that new reality.
Here are the lyrics (at least my stab at them) for “Faith” and if the play button has disappeared (a known issue!) you can listen to the song here.
Faith, Leana
Faith…
Faith…
Faith…
I didn’t want to know you
Didn’t want to show you
Who I was
What if I told you?
What if I showed you?
Would you see? Maybe, baby
‘Cause when I open the door
I just want to make sure
I won’t need to close it again
Faith
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
‘Cause I’ve been waiting such a long time
Faith
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
‘Cause I’ve been waiting, waiting such a long time
Faith…
Faith…
Faith…
I didn’t want to go there
Didn’t want to know there was something else
Higher than the mountain
Higher than the sky far over my head
‘Cause when I open the door
I just want to make sure
I won’t need to close it again
Faith
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
‘Cause I’ve been waiting such a long time
Faith
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
‘Cause I’ve been waiting, waiting such a long time
For this…
Faith
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
‘Cause I’ve been waiting such a long time
Faith
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
‘Cause I’ve been waiting such a long time
Faith
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
‘Cause I’ve been waiting, waiting such a long time
Several years ago I read an article by Robert G. Allen. A quote from that article has stayed with me ever since: “What if someone offered you ten million dollars to turn your life around right now? How much would it take for you to be motivated to perfect your relationships, to get in shape, to get your financial act together, to be a top salesperson, etc? What if you decided that YOU ARE THE BEFORE AND AFTER STORY?” What an intriguing
For a long time now I’ve been intrigued by people who grow through life’s challenges instead of getting snowed under by them. A lot of these, what I call “transformations,” look like they happened because of (or even during)
While I don’t agree with a lot of his scriptural interpretations, I’ve never been one to throw the baby out with the bathwater.
So in that regard, fear is my friend.
Now mind you, many of these individuals had known me for several years and I could tell by the looks on their faces that they were a little in disbelief as to what I just said.
I had a Sheltie growing up and it always cracked me up whenever I pulled her chain hard to come with me. She would always pull back. We’re talking full-out resistance and totally digging her paws in the ground so as not to budge! 
Yep! I struggle with this one! And while I do fear the critics (keeping it honest here), the one I unfortunately heed the most is myself.