Pardon my procrastination over tackling the topic of separating self worth from performance. Of the 10 ways of handling discouragement on the way to success, this hits veeeeery close to home.

This one probably takes the most mental discipline too.

I am currently working on a plan and schedule for a business enterprise. I see everything in my mind and have gone so far as to write out several things in the form of goals and action steps.

But I haven’t gotten everything out the way I see it in my mind and I feel a little frustrated by that. Even with the few steps I have taken, I still find I’m judging myself pretty harshly.

Some of this just ties into learning to be realistic (see Handling Discouragement: Being Realistic).

But the other component ties into this concept of learning to separate self worth from performance.

Let’s face it, we’ve all been taught since an early age that positive performance gets rewarded, whether it’s good grades in school, sales from a presentation, or a promotion during a review.

But whether I do or don’t accomplish a goal, who I am at the core and my value as an individual never changes. I’m a human being, not a human doing.

I can’t increase my worth through achievement and I can’t take it away by non-achievement.

So what can I change? How about the level of my self-image, my self-esteem?

“High self-esteem seeks the challenge and stimulation of worthwhile and demanding goals.”

(Nathaniel Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, p. 6)

Instead of attempting to grab meaning, purpose, value, etc. from external cues (approval, love, acceptance, etc. for performance…much, if not all, is out of my control anyhow), I can grab it from the inside by the things I tell myself.

(For more on self talk, see Developing an Empowering Ritual - A Building Block for Transformation)

Surely most of us have heard this one: “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!” 

What does that mean…?

- Ask the stock investor what it was like to lose everything in one fell swoop…on one investment.

- Ask the job hunter what it was like to have her hopes set high on a single company…only to never be offered the job.

- Ask the sales rep what it was like to ride out the month on one client…who decided to pull out at the last minute.

Who hasn’t, at one time or another, ridden all their hopes on a single sale, project, relationship, career, company, job, etc? What if you don’t have anything to fall back on…a Plan B?
…

“No single venture should support your entire emotional life.”

(John Maxwell, The Maxwell Leadership Bible, p. 910)

I think there’s definitely a lot of wisdom in this. How about we call it developing a good emotional portfolio?

I get a huge rush from any kind of success or win. Maybe it’s just a guy thing, but sometimes the higher the stakes, the bigger and more exciting the win, the more I have my emotions riding on it.

The let-down when that puppy doesn’t come through can be a real shock!

This is when I have to decide, AHEAD of time, where my emotional investments will lay. That way I’ve created a little buffer for myself in the event that things don’t pull through for me.

So what’s in my emotional portfolio?

• Journaling
• Exercise
• Mentors and coaches
• Prayer, meditation, reflection
• Places where I give or contribute to others
• Quality friends - people who know me well and even go so far as to identify themselves as my “biggest fans”

How do you keep your emotional portfolio balanced while going for your dreams and goals?

Ever wish you could go back in time and do something over, differently, or maybe not at all? I know I have.

“Failure is an opportunity to begin again, but more intelligently.”

John Maxwell

And hindsight has 20/20 vision…

As human beings we have the great and magnificent ability to learn from our mistakes. So like it or not, failing, falling down, screwing up…it’s all part of the learning experience.

But what about this notion of time travel? I mean seriously, why not fix ourselves that way?

Hey now…I’m serious!

I may not be able to go back in time, but I can sure go forward…in my imagination.

I was inspired recently by an article I read in my health club’s fitness magazine. It was about a book called “Five Wishes: How Answering One Simple Question Can Make Your Dreams Come True.”

I haven’t read the book, but I found the article about it extremely helpful. Here’s a snip…

“Imagine looking back on your life from your deathbed and identifying the important things that might have kept your experience in this lifetime from being a complete, totally satisfying experience…translate each major regret (’I wish I had experienced A or accomplished B or not screwed up C’) into a positive, powerful, present-tense statement - a statement that would be true, assuming you created successes in the areas you currently feel lacking. For example: “My life is a total success because I have experienced A, or I am enjoying B, or I have come to understand C.”

Pilar Gerasimo, “No Show, No Glow”
Experience Life Magazine, p. 12

This past week I pictured myself being interviewed in the future. I was at the height of success and people wanted to know how I achieved it:

1. What were my biggest challenges?
2. When did things turn around for me?
3. What did I do?

When I finished I felt like I’d come off of a mountaintop somewhere. My vision was clearer and I felt like I understood my purpose better.

And I had a greater sense of what steps I needed to take to ensure I was answering those same questions the same way in the future.

I will share the answers in my next post about developing a passion…

I was a little uncertain how to approach this topic. Since when does going after any type of goal or dream have ANYTHING to do with being realistic??

I mean, I think a lot of people (myself included!) are guilty of shrinking their goals down to doable, managable, and realistic objectives. Right? I think that’s what keeps a lot of us feeling frustrated, broke, and depressed.

So again, how does being realistic help manage disappointment on the way to achieving success?

Okaaaaaay… How about I pull out a mirror? Can I honestly look myself in the eye and say,

“You have every right to feel discouraged. You did everything you could. No one understands how hard you’ve worked for it!”

Ahhhhh… But are my expectations realistic? Are my actions in line with my commitment? Or am I really only a day dreamer, totally squeamish when my goals require effort beyond the minimum?

Sometimes discouragement is really a mask for the fear of learning something new. Say my skill level is at a 2 and I demand it to be 10 or above…yesterday…without any practice or effort. Is THAT realistic?

The following video is pretty heartbreaking to watch. I see a lot of myself in this guy, someone who is really struggling with the idea of breaking out of his own self-limiting beliefs. Bear with the minute or so of introduction…

This guy is clearly discouraged. But is he being realistic in regards to his expectations?

Or is a different level of commitment and belief required to help him reach his ultimate destination of success as a dancer?

He fought to get to this stage of the competition only to give up so quickly. It’s mind-boggling. But I’m sure we all know someone like that in our lives…

Wow, when I kicked off this series with my post on Holding to Belief, Vision, and Purpose in Times of Discouragement, I really wasn’t sure how it would unfold. It’s been both a learning and a growing experience grappling with these topics.

Since I’m halfway through, I’ll list John Maxwell’s 10 methods of handling discouragement again:

The first five…

1.    Rise above self-pity.
2.    Think positively.
3.    Learn from your experiences.
4.    Seek alternatives.
5.    Develop a sense of humor.

The next five…

6.    Be realistic.
7.    Establish new goals.
8.    Develop a passion.
9.    Broaden your base of support.
10.  Separate your self-worth from your performance.

I owe it to my Scotish roots… When it comes to poking fun, teasing, laughing, pulling pranks, or falling over until my sides split, the laughter gene runs deep in me.

“Laughter is the shortest distance between two people and the fastest way to get perspective.”

(John Maxwell, The Maxwell Leadership Bible, p. 910)

I went to a Tony Robbins event years ago. There were thousands of people in the huge convention hall, and at one point Tony had everyone laying on the floor for an exercise.

It was a laughing exercise.

Yes, laughing. We just had to start laughing…for no reason at all.

(If you think that sounds ridiculous or impossible, try it! Just start laughing. C’mon…give it a try! You know you want to!)

The laughter in that hall went on and on for probably a good 20 minutes or more. And then when it would start to die out, someone would catch a new infection of the giggles and it would start all over again.

Have you ever been wound up, tight as rubber band, tense about something, and then something strikes your funny bone?

Maybe someone cracked a joke or made some crazy comment.

And then all of a sudden the tension melts away in uproarious laughter.

That’s what I’m talking about.

For me, there’s something about laughter in particular that just makes everything seem okay and practically erases anything that has been bothering me.

When used properly, emotions can be a powerful tool. They can totally disrupt a bad thought pattern. (Ummmm…shall we say something like discouragement?)

Had I not done that laughing exercise at the Tony Robbins event I don’t think I’d believe it possible to just turn laughter off and on like that.

I’m not a physicist, chemist, biologist, or scientist, but I think there is some kind of chemical reaction going on between my brain, thoughts, and emotions.

Those positive thoughts have to be linked to some kind of “feel good” chemicals in my body.

I mean seriously, isn’t that why companies pay gobs and gobs of money on advertising? They want people to feel good about their products so they’ll buy them. People don’t buy logically. They buy emotionally.

This is why I like dance music so much. It makes me feel great and listening to it is one of the fastest ways I can change my emotional state.

So take some time to laugh, okay? And if you’re too chicken because there are others around you, crack a grin and let it widen to a full-on smile.

C’mon. Stop being such a baby…do it!

Someone once told me that when he looked up “tenacity” in the dictionary he found my name under  it.

So I looked it up.

Here are some definitions…

…tough, holding fast
…persistent determination
…persistent in maintaining, adhering to

When I find myself frustrated with something I’ve been working on for awhile, I activate  this “rule out” procedure in my mind. It’s often unconscious for me. I begin ruling out ways and approaches that aren’t working for me.

This has been especially helpful whenever I’ve found myself in that repetitive pattern of actually DOING the same things over and over again, expecting a different result.

(Yes, many of you may already know that that’s the true definition of insanity…you may go to the head of the class now!)

I will have to say that the “rule out” procedure sometimes works against me in that I might rule something out a little pre-maturely.

More times than not it has helped me move forward, when surely I would have remained stuck.

So what is the “rule out” procedure? Simple…

DON’T DO IT AGAIN!!!

Ouch.

Well, seriously, if it isn’t working, why would I WANT to beat my head against that wall again anyhow?

Seek alternatives. Change approaches. Come at it differently. Try a new way of doing it.

It’s easy to give up on the first try though, isn’t it?

…”I have not failed 700 times. I have not failed once. I have
succeeded in proving that those 700 ways will not work. When I have eliminated the ways that will not work, I will find the way that will work.”

(Thomas Edison, regarding inventing the light bulb)

Many years ago when I was downsized out of a job, I put together this sales presentation for myself. I wanted to be an advertising account executive and knew I had to market my skills in a creative fashion.

I took lots of self assessment tests, spent hours conducting information interviews with people in the industry, and eventually crafted what turned out to be a tabletop flipchart presentation of why I was the man for the job.

Mind you, this was before there was PowerPoint!

I can’t tell you how many additional hours I spent at the local print shop just sizing and pasting everything up with the help of rulers and an old-fashioned light table!

In sum: I put a hell of a lot of work into that puppy.

And boy did I sure get the questions…

“Why are you doing that?”
“That won’t work.”
“You really shouldn’t be spending so much time on that.”

I was determined.

But here’s the deal. While some interviewers thought it was cool, there were those who just didn’t get it.

I remember one particularly discouraging morning (a SATURDAY morning nonetheless) when I was brought in for an interview with a small marketing agency.

The two owners of the company interviewed me and when it came to the question of why I felt I was qualified for the job, I pulled out my presentation and showed them exactly why.

These guys began snorting and sniggering. One of them actually walked out into the hallway and started laughing.

It wasn’t a highpoint for me.

After several months of interviewing to no avail, I said “to hell with it, I’m just gonna be a temp!”

After several more months of temping, an opportunity came up for me to interview with a really good company that my temp agency was placing for.

It was a ho-hum interview until I was asked specifically if I could put words and pictures together in a presentation. That’s when I whipped out my trusty tabletop flipchart and let it rip.

Can I say I had the interviewer “at hello”?

I got the job, and it was everything I wanted and was looking for at the time.

Believe it or not, I’ve been teased about this blog and my qualifications to write it.

All I know is I feel driven to write it, which all goes back to what I said about Holding to Belief, Vision, and Purpose in Times of Discouragement.

I doubt there has been any baby in the history of the world who burst out of the womb knowing everything.

From the moment we take that first breath we are learning and adapting.

Learning to walk took a lot of stumbling and falling first.

How about, er, learning to manage those bodily functions at appropriate times?

Think about the first time you hopped on that bike…and promptly fell over.

I don’t think perfection has ever been best friends with learning.

Even though I can be a terrible offender when it comes to perfectionism, deep down I know the only way to learn is to give myself permission to make mistakes without going down on myself when I screw up.

So it is when I’m reaching for any type of goal.

Rarely does it go perfectly.

As long I learn from the process, get up, and keep moving ahead until I reach what I want, the destination will be attained.

NOTE: It’s always best to remain FLEXIBLE. Sometimes goals need to be amended, a vision enlarged, or plans altered based on new information learned!

I think the following by Portia Nelson is somewhat of a classic. Definitely a good metaphor for being flexible. It’s called “Autobiography in Five Short Chapters”…

Chapter 1. I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2. I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place, but it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in. It’s a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Chapter 4. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

Chapter 5. I walk down another street.

I grew up in the ’70’s. I remember mood rings, 8-track tapes, disco, and…positive thinking. Positive thinking? Yes, positive thinking.

My mom filled my head with all kinds of sayings, like “turn your scars in to stars” and the like.

I have to say that to this day when I hear the phrase “positive thinking” I can’t help but remember the cheesy hairstyles and gaudy clothing from that decade.

I also remember some hellish times, particularly a nightmarish year in 7th grade. I lived on positive thinking to get me through.

In regards to keeping a positive outlook on things, I like to consider all thoughts as falling somewhere along a range:

Super, sickeningly sweet positive thinking on one extreme (you know, the kind that is devoid of any groundedness in reality whatsoever). Super, depressingly negative thinking on the other extreme (runs on auto-crabby, auto-futility, and auto-it’s the end of the world).

And then there’s everything in between.

In terms of thinking positively while facing setbacks, discouragement, disappointment, etc. on the way to success, I believe it’s good to fall somewhere in the middle of that spectrum.

It takes practice for sure, especially when emotions are running high. John Maxwell says,

Success comes from going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm.

(The Maxwell Leadership Bible, p. 910)

If anything it’s an outlook, a determination that no matter what, you will move forward BECAUSE you believe in that dream, goal, destination, purpose, etc.

If you need a little help in this department, turn up the speakers on your computer, open up a new browser window, and copy and paste the following URL:

http://FirstName.YouAreMighty.com (replace “FirstName” with your actual first name).

Hit enter and enjoy what comes next!

In regards to Handling Discouragement on the Way to Success, I like John Maxwell’s advice so much that I’m gonna stay on this topic for a little bit and begin unpacking what it means. Let’s start with…

Rising above self-pity.

Okay, I’ll raise my hand again and admit I’ve spent more time in the crying closet than I would really care to admit. Grieving is okay and definitely vital to moving on. But when the focus continues to revolve around me, my problems, why I can’t get a break, why it’s not fair…yadda, yadda, yadda…well, that gets old very fast.

I read a great definition of self-pity on Wikipedia:

“Self-pity is a psychological state of mind of an individual in perceived adverse situations who has not accepted the situation and does not have the confidence nor ability to cope with it. It is characterized by a person’s belief that he or she is the victim of events and is therefore deserving of condolence.”

Condolence is an interesting word. I tend to think of condolence in regards to sending expressions of sympathy to someone who has lost a loved one. You send condolences to the family of someone who has died or to someone who has experienced some type of severe tragedy.

But can you imagine sending condolences to someone who stubbed their toe, had their cable TV go on the fritz, or can’t pay their credit card bill? I mean, doesn’t that sound a little silly, maybe a little over the top?

Tony Robbins writes…

“…it’s never the environment; it’s never the events of our lives, but the meaning we attach to the events - how we interpret them - that shapes who we are today and who we’ll become tomorrow. Beliefs are what make the difference between a lifetime of joyous contribution and one of misery and devastation.”

(Awaken the Giant Within, p. 74)

I really do believe that both the amount and the kind of meaning that gets attached to the events, circumstances, situations, etc. of our lives can either cause us to soar above self-pity or wallow in its mire.

And what mire it can be. Icky, gooey, smelly, depressing mire that usually everyone BUT the pitiful individual can see a mile away.

Like a pig in a pen…

Here are some things I’ve done to move away from self-pity when I’m starting to feel pulled in by it:

1. Start thinking up solutions. What can I do to make the most of this situation, turn it around, educate myself better about it, etc?

2. Pull out my journal and start writing down things I’m thankful for.

3. Do something good for myself. Cook a good meal, write my blog, exercise, listen to great music, invite a friend for coffee, etc.

4. Congratulate myself on little accomplishments. I like checklists and on more than one occasion have written down easy, little things like “make my bed,” “brush my teeth,” etc. because they are no-brainers. When I feel I’m not accomplishing anything for the day, these make for easy successes. (Hey now…I know someone out there will appreciate this little bit of wisdom!!!)

5. Take a nap. Like a cranky baby, sometimes all I need is a little rest!