Ever hear the term "elephant in the china shop"? I’ve often heard it used in relation to a secret that everyone knows but no one will talk about or admit. It’s a subject that requires special handling lest everything come crashing down. Daddy’s drinking problem. Uncle Johnny’s gambling habit. Cousin Sally’s divorce.

I remember being in a "china shop" situation several years ago. I was facilitating a workshop of entrepreneurs and business owners.

About 20 men and women were gathered in a small hotel conference room, processing the end of an intense weekend of letting go of lot of emotional baggage.

I remember one of the participants vividly. She had a scowl on her face the entire weekend.

Her husband was with her, but unlike her, he was warm, friendly, and always had a smile on his face. While he freely participated in all of the activities, she always seemed to be holding back.

At the end of this long weekend everyone had the opportunity to process their experience, get feedback, and receive assistance with any remaining issues they felt they needed help with.

When it came time for this woman to speak up, we got an earful: How she resented his ability to be at peace with himself when 20 or 30 years ago he had done such and such to her.

Now "such and such" turned out to be something completely minor and petty. I couldn’t believe this woman nursed such hatred and resentment for her husband over such a long period of time over something so trivial.

Everyone was trying to make her feel better, in essence to rescue her from her feelings. They were just talking at her - blah, blah, blah.

Meanwhile, I started feeling this anger boiling inside me. Here I’m supposed to be facilitating everything and I’m starting to have this emotional reaction to what was going on with this woman, and all the well-meaning individuals who were attempting to placate her feelings.

Maybe it was because I had been the target of similarly vicious assaults of pettiness in my past. Maybe it was because I had taken the brunt of completely irrational hatred at one time or another.

Whatever it was…I LOST IT.

Yes I did. Lost it.

I launched into this woman with the most colorful language anyone had ever heard come out of my mouth at that point:

"How dare you hold this against him and not forgive him! He’s told you over and over again that he was sorry. He’s asked your forgiveness, and yet you keep holding it over him like that. Who do you think you are??? You have to forgive him. It’s your problem now, not his."

Everyone’s jaws dropped. I was beat red. The head guy was about ready to intervene.

I don’t remember much of what happened afterward. I do remember feeling ashamed for being so hard on that woman. In fact, I remember questioning what I had done and really beating myself up about it.

Now here’s the amazing thing. I saw the coordinater of the worshop nearly a year later. He told me that after I confronted her she changed. She became a client of his and started working on her stuff. She became warmer, more friendly, and was a totally different person.

She let go and forgave her husband.

I have no idea why I was the person appointed to the deliver the goods to this person. I suspect there were others who could have, but were probably focused on soothing the symptoms rather than diagnosing the problem. A lot of people do that though. Who wants to rock the boat and potentially lose a friend?

I’m not sure that I would recommend my particular approach, but I will say that the times I’ve grown the most have been when people (friends, coaches, mentors, etc.) have confronted me. They didn’t shove truth down my throat, but they did shine the light in such a way that I either saw things from a different perspective or became aware of my blind spots.

Confrontation isn’t easy, and the truth can often be both very revealing and very cutting at the same time.

But it can also be very healing.

And a starting point for change.