Coming across someone who has brought their life to a screeching halt can be a scary thing sometimes. As human beings I firmly believe we are meant to always be moving, growing, learning, changing, and though it sounds strange, evolving.

Personally, I don’t think we’re meant to just “hang out” here, biding time through our entire existence.

I know that when I put everything on hold and ignore the signals of movement and growth that are happening inside me I can become very depressed, almost despairing.

It’s especially keen when I know and feel that it is a higher calling stirring within me.

Unfortunately, in today’s world, it is all too easy to put off, hit the snooze button, or utterly ignore those whispers of meaning and purpose that are always beckoning the human soul to its higher purpose.

There are so many distractions available, so many ways to dull the message coming toward me.

When I continually ignore the message, this other side of me manifests. Affectionately (or not so), this entity known as “Dennis” (see Self Acceptance: Building Belief in Yourself While Going for Your Dreams) comes equipped with his own beliefs, habits, imagination, and will. And subsequently, he rules as if there is no other reality.

C.S. Lewis beautifully depicts a similar manifestation in his book, “The Silver Chair.” A prince is captured by an evil queen and put under an enchantment that transforms him into a conceited, self-absorbed…jerk.

He must be bound in a chair, however, during times when the enchantment is lifted and his “right mind” comes back to him.

While under the spell, he has everyone convinced that he is who he says he is and the other, true self, is the bad guy, the one to keep bound up.

“Listen while I am master of myself. When the fit is upon me, it well may be that I shall beg and implore you, with entreaties and threatenings, to loosen my bonds…I shall call upon you by all that is most dear and most dreadful. But do not listen to me…For while I am bound you are safe. But if once I were up and out of this chair, then first would come my fury, and after that” - he shuddered - “the change into a loathsome serpent.”

(The Silver Chair, C.S. Lewis, p. 170)

One of my favorite quotes is by Marianne Williamson:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.”

I believe this to be both a very profound and very accurate statement.

But for the “spells” that I and many others put themselves under, there is so much that we could probably accomplish. Instead, many of us find ourselves like Ulysses in Homer’s Odyssey, in danger of crashing against the rocks by the enticing song of the Sirens that attempts to pull us away from the journey and our destiny.

Thankfully the spell lifts, the danger passes, and the right mind is returned to once again call the sojourner forward.

“Have they told you that if I am released from this chair I shall kill you and become a serpent? I see by your faces that they have. It is a lie. It is at this hour that I am in my right mind.”

(The Silver Chair, C.S. Lewis, p. 172)

I am fully capable of convincing myself and the world around me that I am someone else when I am in the “Dennis” mindset. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, he ain’t a very attractive guy. In fact, he’s a counterfeit to all that is good, true, and noble within me.

And as they say, like attracts like.

And for those who either love or hate the book and/or movie “The Secret,” this is what I’m talking about. The kids in C.S. Lewis’ book couldn’t stand the prince when he was under the spell.

There is a lot to be said for being grounded in one’s true self.

Where does fear come from and what purpose does it serve? I would venture to say (and I know I’ve read it somewhere) that fear is a protective mechanism. It keeps me from doing things that could potentially hurt me or put me in danger.

So in that regard, fear is my friend.

But what about fears that stem from events in my past or from what other people have said or done to me? They seem real enough. Couldn’t they be protecting me too?

I’ve alluded a couple of times on this blog to some, er…less than stellar periods in my childhood. Kids can be cruel. Kids without restraint can be downright vicious.

Second period math class in the 7th grade was my time for fear conditioning.

Let’s see…jeering, taunting, gesturing, labeling, name-calling, full-out rejection…. That pretty much summed up what it was like every time I walked into that classroom, with really no breaks at all.

I was ever so thankful for holidays, weekends, and the summer vacation I was able to finally leave that class behind for good…

…or so I thought.

I kept the memories.

 Or maybe they kept me…

“I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” (Mark Twain)

Throughout my adulthood I’ve found my mind playing tricks on me when it’s come to these memories.

I saw many of the worst culprits from my junior high days several years ago at my 20 year high school reunion. They were so mellow they wouldn’t hurt a fly!

And yet, even after seeing these men and women in the present day, I found that the old memories still persisted, creating these imaginary fears of people and what they thought about me. 

So if in time I’ve come to realize that the traumas of my past were still in my past, what do I do in the present time?

False
Evidence
Appearing
Real 

I used to think that acronym was a little hokey until I began to understand how my imagination could work either for or against me.

What I’ve come to realize is that I have a choice when it comes to my fears, especially the ones that could stand to cripple me as I attempt to move forward.

A lot of times it involves completely blocking out the fear, ignoring it, and just doing whatever it is I have to do despite it. When I did my little exercise meeting and striking up conversations with strangers (see Identity Transformation: Using Gentle Persuasion to Change Your Beliefs) that’s what I was doing.

I’ve played various sports (basketball, volleyball, softball) for the sole purpose of learning to master my fears. I ended up having a lot of fun and picking up some new skills in the process.

Ultimately, what really happens when I face my fears is that I end up teaching myself a whole new way to be, think, and do. I become a different person.

I change.

Early last year I attended a meeting for entrepreneurs and business owners in the Chicago area. At one point the moderator asked each of us to identify what we were afraid of. I honestly can’t remember anyone else’s answer, but I sure do remember mine: People.

Now mind you, many of these individuals had known me for several years and I could tell by the looks on their faces that they were a little in disbelief as to what I just said.

To those who know me, I appear to be an outgoing individual. I’m the guy who LOVES karaoke! And many of the people in the room that day had come to know me as someone who had already achieved a certain level of success in what I was doing. In fact, everything that got me to where I was involved people!

So what up with this fear of people???

Wow! Well, this one will take a few posts to unpack, that’s for sure!

Let me put a warning label/disclaimer on this series:

While I will talk about the past, and even to a degree the present, I am more and more convinced that neither past nor present make a hill of beans difference when it comes to determining my future. Nil. Zip. Nada squada.

Okay, now that that’s out there, let me tell you what I think about some sections of my childhood: They sucked. Note that I said “sections,” not my entire childhood!

I am 42 years old, and while memories of the past do creep up on me from time to time and cause this kind of “fear seizure,” all I can say is “who cares?” There will always be something.

And I’ve also come to realize that there are plenty of new and recent memories that cause the same kinds of responses in me that the old ones do, which makes me think, “hmmmmm…maybe there’s something else behind this…”

“You might ask, ‘Isn’t my identity limited by my experience?’ No, it’s limited by your interpretation of your experience. Your identity is nothing but the decisions you’ve made about who you are, what you’ve decided to fuse yourself with.”

(Tony Robbins, Awaken the Giant Within, p. 419)

Very intriguing…

Surely most of us have heard this one: “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!” 

What does that mean…?

- Ask the stock investor what it was like to lose everything in one fell swoop…on one investment.

- Ask the job hunter what it was like to have her hopes set high on a single company…only to never be offered the job.

- Ask the sales rep what it was like to ride out the month on one client…who decided to pull out at the last minute.

Who hasn’t, at one time or another, ridden all their hopes on a single sale, project, relationship, career, company, job, etc? What if you don’t have anything to fall back on…a Plan B?
…

“No single venture should support your entire emotional life.”

(John Maxwell, The Maxwell Leadership Bible, p. 910)

I think there’s definitely a lot of wisdom in this. How about we call it developing a good emotional portfolio?

I get a huge rush from any kind of success or win. Maybe it’s just a guy thing, but sometimes the higher the stakes, the bigger and more exciting the win, the more I have my emotions riding on it.

The let-down when that puppy doesn’t come through can be a real shock!

This is when I have to decide, AHEAD of time, where my emotional investments will lay. That way I’ve created a little buffer for myself in the event that things don’t pull through for me.

So what’s in my emotional portfolio?

• Journaling
• Exercise
• Mentors and coaches
• Prayer, meditation, reflection
• Places where I give or contribute to others
• Quality friends - people who know me well and even go so far as to identify themselves as my “biggest fans”

How do you keep your emotional portfolio balanced while going for your dreams and goals?

Ever wish you could go back in time and do something over, differently, or maybe not at all? I know I have.

“Failure is an opportunity to begin again, but more intelligently.”

John Maxwell

And hindsight has 20/20 vision…

As human beings we have the great and magnificent ability to learn from our mistakes. So like it or not, failing, falling down, screwing up…it’s all part of the learning experience.

But what about this notion of time travel? I mean seriously, why not fix ourselves that way?

Hey now…I’m serious!

I may not be able to go back in time, but I can sure go forward…in my imagination.

I was inspired recently by an article I read in my health club’s fitness magazine. It was about a book called “Five Wishes: How Answering One Simple Question Can Make Your Dreams Come True.”

I haven’t read the book, but I found the article about it extremely helpful. Here’s a snip…

“Imagine looking back on your life from your deathbed and identifying the important things that might have kept your experience in this lifetime from being a complete, totally satisfying experience…translate each major regret (’I wish I had experienced A or accomplished B or not screwed up C’) into a positive, powerful, present-tense statement - a statement that would be true, assuming you created successes in the areas you currently feel lacking. For example: “My life is a total success because I have experienced A, or I am enjoying B, or I have come to understand C.”

Pilar Gerasimo, “No Show, No Glow”
Experience Life Magazine, p. 12

This past week I pictured myself being interviewed in the future. I was at the height of success and people wanted to know how I achieved it:

1. What were my biggest challenges?
2. When did things turn around for me?
3. What did I do?

When I finished I felt like I’d come off of a mountaintop somewhere. My vision was clearer and I felt like I understood my purpose better.

And I had a greater sense of what steps I needed to take to ensure I was answering those same questions the same way in the future.

I will share the answers in my next post about developing a passion…

I owe it to my Scotish roots… When it comes to poking fun, teasing, laughing, pulling pranks, or falling over until my sides split, the laughter gene runs deep in me.

“Laughter is the shortest distance between two people and the fastest way to get perspective.”

(John Maxwell, The Maxwell Leadership Bible, p. 910)

I went to a Tony Robbins event years ago. There were thousands of people in the huge convention hall, and at one point Tony had everyone laying on the floor for an exercise.

It was a laughing exercise.

Yes, laughing. We just had to start laughing…for no reason at all.

(If you think that sounds ridiculous or impossible, try it! Just start laughing. C’mon…give it a try! You know you want to!)

The laughter in that hall went on and on for probably a good 20 minutes or more. And then when it would start to die out, someone would catch a new infection of the giggles and it would start all over again.

Have you ever been wound up, tight as rubber band, tense about something, and then something strikes your funny bone?

Maybe someone cracked a joke or made some crazy comment.

And then all of a sudden the tension melts away in uproarious laughter.

That’s what I’m talking about.

For me, there’s something about laughter in particular that just makes everything seem okay and practically erases anything that has been bothering me.

When used properly, emotions can be a powerful tool. They can totally disrupt a bad thought pattern. (Ummmm…shall we say something like discouragement?)

Had I not done that laughing exercise at the Tony Robbins event I don’t think I’d believe it possible to just turn laughter off and on like that.

I’m not a physicist, chemist, biologist, or scientist, but I think there is some kind of chemical reaction going on between my brain, thoughts, and emotions.

Those positive thoughts have to be linked to some kind of “feel good” chemicals in my body.

I mean seriously, isn’t that why companies pay gobs and gobs of money on advertising? They want people to feel good about their products so they’ll buy them. People don’t buy logically. They buy emotionally.

This is why I like dance music so much. It makes me feel great and listening to it is one of the fastest ways I can change my emotional state.

So take some time to laugh, okay? And if you’re too chicken because there are others around you, crack a grin and let it widen to a full-on smile.

C’mon. Stop being such a baby…do it!

I doubt there has been any baby in the history of the world who burst out of the womb knowing everything.

From the moment we take that first breath we are learning and adapting.

Learning to walk took a lot of stumbling and falling first.

How about, er, learning to manage those bodily functions at appropriate times?

Think about the first time you hopped on that bike…and promptly fell over.

I don’t think perfection has ever been best friends with learning.

Even though I can be a terrible offender when it comes to perfectionism, deep down I know the only way to learn is to give myself permission to make mistakes without going down on myself when I screw up.

So it is when I’m reaching for any type of goal.

Rarely does it go perfectly.

As long I learn from the process, get up, and keep moving ahead until I reach what I want, the destination will be attained.

NOTE: It’s always best to remain FLEXIBLE. Sometimes goals need to be amended, a vision enlarged, or plans altered based on new information learned!

I think the following by Portia Nelson is somewhat of a classic. Definitely a good metaphor for being flexible. It’s called “Autobiography in Five Short Chapters”…

Chapter 1. I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2. I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place, but it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in. It’s a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Chapter 4. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

Chapter 5. I walk down another street.

In regards to Handling Discouragement on the Way to Success, I like John Maxwell’s advice so much that I’m gonna stay on this topic for a little bit and begin unpacking what it means. Let’s start with…

Rising above self-pity.

Okay, I’ll raise my hand again and admit I’ve spent more time in the crying closet than I would really care to admit. Grieving is okay and definitely vital to moving on. But when the focus continues to revolve around me, my problems, why I can’t get a break, why it’s not fair…yadda, yadda, yadda…well, that gets old very fast.

I read a great definition of self-pity on Wikipedia:

“Self-pity is a psychological state of mind of an individual in perceived adverse situations who has not accepted the situation and does not have the confidence nor ability to cope with it. It is characterized by a person’s belief that he or she is the victim of events and is therefore deserving of condolence.”

Condolence is an interesting word. I tend to think of condolence in regards to sending expressions of sympathy to someone who has lost a loved one. You send condolences to the family of someone who has died or to someone who has experienced some type of severe tragedy.

But can you imagine sending condolences to someone who stubbed their toe, had their cable TV go on the fritz, or can’t pay their credit card bill? I mean, doesn’t that sound a little silly, maybe a little over the top?

Tony Robbins writes…

“…it’s never the environment; it’s never the events of our lives, but the meaning we attach to the events - how we interpret them - that shapes who we are today and who we’ll become tomorrow. Beliefs are what make the difference between a lifetime of joyous contribution and one of misery and devastation.”

(Awaken the Giant Within, p. 74)

I really do believe that both the amount and the kind of meaning that gets attached to the events, circumstances, situations, etc. of our lives can either cause us to soar above self-pity or wallow in its mire.

And what mire it can be. Icky, gooey, smelly, depressing mire that usually everyone BUT the pitiful individual can see a mile away.

Like a pig in a pen…

Here are some things I’ve done to move away from self-pity when I’m starting to feel pulled in by it:

1. Start thinking up solutions. What can I do to make the most of this situation, turn it around, educate myself better about it, etc?

2. Pull out my journal and start writing down things I’m thankful for.

3. Do something good for myself. Cook a good meal, write my blog, exercise, listen to great music, invite a friend for coffee, etc.

4. Congratulate myself on little accomplishments. I like checklists and on more than one occasion have written down easy, little things like “make my bed,” “brush my teeth,” etc. because they are no-brainers. When I feel I’m not accomplishing anything for the day, these make for easy successes. (Hey now…I know someone out there will appreciate this little bit of wisdom!!!)

5. Take a nap. Like a cranky baby, sometimes all I need is a little rest!

Following up Holding to Belief, Vision, and Purpose in Times of Discouragement, I found some great wisdom and insight from John Maxwell on the topic of handling setbacks when moving toward a goal:

The key question on your bad day is: Are you going to give up or get up? And how can you get up?

1.   Rise above self-pity.
2.   Think positively.
3.   Learn from your experiences.
4.   Seek alternatives.
5.   Develop a sense of humor.
6.   Be realistic.
7.   Establish new goals.
8.   Develop a passion.
9.   Broaden your base of support.
10. Separate your self-worth from your performance.

(From “The Maxwell Leadership Bible,” p. 910)

Setbacks are part of life. I’ll admit I haven’t always been a star performer when it comes to rolling with the punches of adversity, but I’ve held my ground more times than not. And I’ve never gone down for the count…at least not permanently!

I took a telecourse last weekend called The Art and Science of Achieving Your Goals and Dreams. Part of my pre-course homework involved writing a life purpose statement, as well as a vision statement for my life (what my life would be like living at the peak of success and the achievement of my goals and dreams). I will share them both.

Purpose

“The purpose of my life is to learn and grow, inspiring others along the way, and showing them they too can do the same.”

Vision

“I am living a life of complete emotional freedom. I love myself and others freely and unconditionally. I have learned to master my thoughts and emotions in such a way that I’ve come to trust and honor myself and my abilities at a whole new level. I can state a goal and know I will reach it because I am congruent and honor my promises to myself. I accept all learning curves and have learned to be patient with myself and others as a result.

The aforementioned emotional freedom has enabled me to move into financial freedom. I am free to ask and receive. I can hold an intention with complete faith because I know it will come to pass. This has enabled me to exceed my financial targets. I am attracting money, business, and partnerships at increasing levels of speed and earn in excess of $________K a year.”

I launched this blog to find, reach out to, and connect with others on this level. I know there is great power to be found in accountability and I’ve already seen how some of you out there have been awakened to your own dreams and goals and have gotten that extra push to take your own steps of faith.

So with that said, “you know who” paid me a visit this week. Yes, that would be “Dennis.” (Refer to Self Acceptance: Building Belief in Yourself While Going for Your Dreams to learn more about him!) I had been working toward a particular financial goal over the past couple of years and had somewhat of a setback in relation to it a few days ago.

These things happen.

Of the myriad reactions I had building in me, one of the more healthy responses was to talk about it here. After all, this is the before, during, and after story. In doing so I live out my chosen purpose in the present, and set the stage for achieving my vision in the future.

Even though what happened sucks (I won’t go into details yet), it’s pretty cool to realize it’s still working in my favor!

At some point faith always gets tested. Holding the course, especially during moments of discouragement, is the key to getting to the other side.

Can I hear an Amen?