Pardon my procrastination over tackling the topic of separating self worth from performance. Of the 10 ways of handling discouragement on the way to success, this hits veeeeery close to home.

This one probably takes the most mental discipline too.

I am currently working on a plan and schedule for a business enterprise. I see everything in my mind and have gone so far as to write out several things in the form of goals and action steps.

But I haven’t gotten everything out the way I see it in my mind and I feel a little frustrated by that. Even with the few steps I have taken, I still find I’m judging myself pretty harshly.

Some of this just ties into learning to be realistic (see Handling Discouragement: Being Realistic).

But the other component ties into this concept of learning to separate self worth from performance.

Let’s face it, we’ve all been taught since an early age that positive performance gets rewarded, whether it’s good grades in school, sales from a presentation, or a promotion during a review.

But whether I do or don’t accomplish a goal, who I am at the core and my value as an individual never changes. I’m a human being, not a human doing.

I can’t increase my worth through achievement and I can’t take it away by non-achievement.

So what can I change? How about the level of my self-image, my self-esteem?

“High self-esteem seeks the challenge and stimulation of worthwhile and demanding goals.”

(Nathaniel Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, p. 6)

Instead of attempting to grab meaning, purpose, value, etc. from external cues (approval, love, acceptance, etc. for performance…much, if not all, is out of my control anyhow), I can grab it from the inside by the things I tell myself.

(For more on self talk, see Developing an Empowering Ritual - A Building Block for Transformation)

So what happens when you fall off your horse? According to John Maxwell, “Your own resolution to succeed counts for more than anything else.” (The Maxwell Leadership Bible, p. 910)

Hmmmmm….sounds something like having a burning desire doesn’t it? (See Building Belief with a Burning Desire to Succeed in Whatever You Set Your Mind To)

So what exactly does passion mean? I like this definition in Wikipedia:

“Passion is an intense emotion compelling feeling, enthusiasm, or desire for anything and often requiring action.”

Passion couples emotion with action, the combination of which is essential to achieving success when going for any type of goal.

Removing emotion, feeling, desire, or enthusiasm from what I do makes me almost like a robot. I can work, work, work and completely burn out. There’s no spark to ignite that flame that becomes a blaze.

Removing action while keeping all the emotion makes me little more than a fan of my goals (a step above a mere spectator).

Last week I imagined myself being interviewed in the future. (See Handling Discouragement: Establishing New Goals)

Looking back from that time in the future…

What were my biggest challenges?

- Trusting myself enough to know I could accomplish what I set my mind to.

- Fearing what others thought; listening to my own “opinions” about that.

- Seeing myself as the person who could be successful at __________.

- Mañana syndrome…I can always do that tomorrow.

When did it turn for me?

- When I realized I had a purpose and a mission that involved others and went beyond myself.

- When I focused on where I was heading, rather than where I was currently at or where I had been before.

What did I do?

- I practiced looking 3, 4, and 5 steps ahead of me, instead of on that scary first step.

- I stopped questioning what others saw in me and began embracing it.

- I put others ahead of me always, focusing on how I could help them reach their goals.

- I became emotionally attached to my end result, my destination, my purpose fulfilled.

- I focused on what I could do today and then I did it.

“Your own resolution to succeed counts for more than anything else…”

Over the weekend I had dinner with a friend at a Chinese restaurant. I opened my fortune cookie today and read this message:

“You have the ability to touch the lives of many people.”

Uhhhhh…that was a clue, wasn’t it?