Thomas Edison once said, “If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves.”

So why is it so hard sometimes to take that leap of faith and just do it?

Well, I’ve come to understand that as a human being, both my mind and body are incredibly adept at keeping everything in balance in accordance with my beliefs.

In fact, stress is a key signal to the body that something is off.

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“Both Eastern and Western medical sciences have long understood that maintaining natural balances is the body’s greatest priority; if the systems of the body are going to work at all, they must work together in harmony. When equilibrium is thrown off balance, the result is stress…Stress includes both the alarm responses that signal imbalance and the coping mechanisms that seek restoration of equilibrium.”

(Gerald May, Addiction & Grace - Love and Spirituality in the Healing of Addictions, p. 73)

And haven’t we all experienced stress, along with that drive to get things back to “normal?”

Last month I had a (somewhat) funny situation happen to me. I was sitting at my desk working on something when I heard a little noise by my window. I looked up and there sitting on the sill, staring right at me through the blinds was a little mouse. And yes, it was inside.

Our eyes locked for probably a minute or more. I didn’t want to move for fear it would leave the sill and come all the way into my bedroom. But as you might suspect, it eventually scampered all the way in.

Years ago I had a problem with a mouse in a previous home. All those memories came flooding back into my brain: the endless scratching noises that would keep me up at night, holes and droppings discovered throughout the house, buying and setting traps everywhere…all of which seemed to go on for a very long time.

So what was happening in me at the moment that little guy scurried into my (now) much smaller living space was nothing short of panic. Things were definitely out of balance and I wanted that creature out of my place YESTERDAY!

Traps were set and the mouse was caught within about 24 hours, but I will tell you that my entire being was in a state of alert until it was over.

While this is kind of a silly, amusing example, stress signals like this - mild to severe - typically accompany the individual who is moving into new or unfamiliar territory - whether it’s starting a new job, trying out a new sport, or learning a new skill.

And how much more so when the person is actually trying to change or develop some aspect of their identity, perhaps leaving behind old, entrenched patterns of thinking and behaving?

It’s kind of like the rubber band effect - the impulse is to snap back into the old, familiar “shape.”

When it comes to adopting new habits, beliefs, and ways of thinking, it comes down to , quite literally, a matter of growing a new brain.

For many decades, scientists and biologists believed that the brains we were born with were not capable of growth or expansion. If sections of the brain were damaged through traumas such as accidents or strokes, it was pretty much tough luck, according to the experts.

But thankfully, through the persistent investigation of scientists, researchers, and average everyday lay people, it has been discovered and proven that the brain is quite capable of expansion, growth, healing, and change.

This is great news for everyone!

For a long time the brain was viewed as a machine that was "hardwired" and unchangeable.

A friend and reader of this blog recently turned me on to a book called "The Brain That Changes Itself," by Norman Doidge, MD. Dr. Doidge chronicles the stories of people who have investigated what has come to be known as "brain plasticity."

"At first many of the scientists didn’t dare use the word ‘neuroplasticity’ in their publications, and their peers belittled them for promoting a fanciful notion. Yet they persisted, slowly overturning the doctrine of the unchanging brain.

They showed that children are not always stuck with the mental abilities they are born with; that the damaged brain can often reorganize itself so that when one part fails, another can often substitute; that if brain cells die, they can at times be replaced; that many ‘circuits’ and even basic reflexes that we think are hardwired are not."

(Norman Doidge, M.D., The Brain That Changes Itself, p. xix)

I think one of the greatest dangers in this world is not terrorism, war, or disease…it’s a closed mind. I’ve seen a mind like this - rigid, unyielding, unteachable, legalistic - leave a path of despair, hurt, and confusion in its wake.

Friendships have been lost, businesses have folded, and lives have been ruined because of people who have been unwilling to open their minds, think out of the box, or view things from a different perspective.

I propose that no matter where any of us are today, we can change ourselves. I would not be writing this blog if I did not believe it possible. 

But it all comes down to taking responsibility for the change. Even if I walk down to my local church, pray the sinner’s prayer, and get dunked in a baptismal tank, I am responsible for walking out that change in daily living!

Nothing comes without effort. Ask any Olympian!

Ever hear the term "elephant in the china shop"? I’ve often heard it used in relation to a secret that everyone knows but no one will talk about or admit. It’s a subject that requires special handling lest everything come crashing down. Daddy’s drinking problem. Uncle Johnny’s gambling habit. Cousin Sally’s divorce.

I remember being in a "china shop" situation several years ago. I was facilitating a workshop of entrepreneurs and business owners.

About 20 men and women were gathered in a small hotel conference room, processing the end of an intense weekend of letting go of lot of emotional baggage.

I remember one of the participants vividly. She had a scowl on her face the entire weekend.

Her husband was with her, but unlike her, he was warm, friendly, and always had a smile on his face. While he freely participated in all of the activities, she always seemed to be holding back.

At the end of this long weekend everyone had the opportunity to process their experience, get feedback, and receive assistance with any remaining issues they felt they needed help with.

When it came time for this woman to speak up, we got an earful: How she resented his ability to be at peace with himself when 20 or 30 years ago he had done such and such to her.

Now "such and such" turned out to be something completely minor and petty. I couldn’t believe this woman nursed such hatred and resentment for her husband over such a long period of time over something so trivial.

Everyone was trying to make her feel better, in essence to rescue her from her feelings. They were just talking at her - blah, blah, blah.

Meanwhile, I started feeling this anger boiling inside me. Here I’m supposed to be facilitating everything and I’m starting to have this emotional reaction to what was going on with this woman, and all the well-meaning individuals who were attempting to placate her feelings.

Maybe it was because I had been the target of similarly vicious assaults of pettiness in my past. Maybe it was because I had taken the brunt of completely irrational hatred at one time or another.

Whatever it was…I LOST IT.

Yes I did. Lost it.

I launched into this woman with the most colorful language anyone had ever heard come out of my mouth at that point:

"How dare you hold this against him and not forgive him! He’s told you over and over again that he was sorry. He’s asked your forgiveness, and yet you keep holding it over him like that. Who do you think you are??? You have to forgive him. It’s your problem now, not his."

Everyone’s jaws dropped. I was beat red. The head guy was about ready to intervene.

I don’t remember much of what happened afterward. I do remember feeling ashamed for being so hard on that woman. In fact, I remember questioning what I had done and really beating myself up about it.

Now here’s the amazing thing. I saw the coordinater of the worshop nearly a year later. He told me that after I confronted her she changed. She became a client of his and started working on her stuff. She became warmer, more friendly, and was a totally different person.

She let go and forgave her husband.

I have no idea why I was the person appointed to the deliver the goods to this person. I suspect there were others who could have, but were probably focused on soothing the symptoms rather than diagnosing the problem. A lot of people do that though. Who wants to rock the boat and potentially lose a friend?

I’m not sure that I would recommend my particular approach, but I will say that the times I’ve grown the most have been when people (friends, coaches, mentors, etc.) have confronted me. They didn’t shove truth down my throat, but they did shine the light in such a way that I either saw things from a different perspective or became aware of my blind spots.

Confrontation isn’t easy, and the truth can often be both very revealing and very cutting at the same time.

But it can also be very healing.

And a starting point for change.

I’m wondering if anyone who read yesterday’s post thought I’d let that childhood "I am nothing…I am nobody" declaration slip by without further discussion… Nah!

I’ve often wondered about that little childhood mis-affirmation. It does seem kind of strange that at such a young age I was saying such things. I won’t dissect the psychology of it, but I will say that it shows (for some of us) that even the wackiest of beliefs can be set in us at an early age.

Listen to this insight about the circus elephant…

"While still young and weak, an elephant is tied by a heavy chain to an immovable iron stake. He discovers that, no matter how hard he tries, he cannot break the chain or move the stake.

"Then, no matter how large and strong the elephant becomes, he continues to believe he cannot move as long as he sees the stake in the ground beside him.  

"Many intelligent adults behave like the circus elephant. They are restrained in thought, action and results. They never move further than the boundaries of self-imposed limitation." (John Maxwell, The Winning Attitude, p. 81)

Raising the level of my self image takes consistent, persistent work, but I can still adopt new beliefs about myself immediately. Nothing stops me from doing that (check out a cool post from Craig Harper about that here).

It’s the continual working out of those beliefs in me that causes them to grow so that what’s on the outside matches what’s on the inside.

So change, being an inside job, requires a whole new way of thinking. I like what the Bible says about it (okay, here I go again with another verse, but Jesus came up with a good analogy for this one…so I’m puttin’ it in here!):

"Nor do people put new wine into old wineskins; otherwise the wineskins burst, and the wine pours out and the wineskins are ruined; but they put new wine into fresh wineskins, and both are preserved." 
(Matthew 9:17)

Tony Robbins says something similar:

"If you’ve repeatedly attempted to make a particular change in your life, only to continually fall short, invariably the challenge is that you were trying to create a behavioral or emotional shift that was inconsistent with your belief about who you are." (Tony Robbins, Awaken the Giant Within, p. 417)

To be continued…again.

While I grew up an only kid, I was fortunate to have lots and lots of cousins (my dad had nine brothers and sisters). To this day a group of my older cousins still kid me about what I told them once when they asked me who I was. I couldn’t have been more than 5 or 6 years old at the time.

Apparently I told them, "Nothing." As in, "I am nothing, I am nobody."

I still don’t remember this but my cousins insist that’s what I told them. And it must have made an impression because it almost always comes up at every family gathering.

I’m sure you’ve been to a meeting, party, restaurant, business function, etc. where inevitably the question gets asked, "What do you do?"

Does anyone really even say what they do? It’s more something like, "I’m a project manager." "I’m a teacher." "I’m a business consultant." 

For the person who isn’t particularly proud of what they do, it can be an awkward moment. It might come out something like…

"I’m just a _________."

It can be equally awkward (or overwhelming, depending on your perspective) for the person who’s listening, because they might just be scratching their head wondering just what "________" is.

I’m an amateur when it comes to psychology, but I kind of have a hunch that declarations of who we are as individuals can be frought with a fair amount of anxiety or discomfort, regardless of whether we have high or low opinions of ourselves.

For the person who doesn’t feel good about themselves, the "who am I" question can be feel a little embarrassing. All the better to slap a quick job title on themselves and call it a day.

For the person who feels great about themselves and wants to let the whole world know, well, they can be received with suspicion, a kind of "who do you think you are?" attitude. They could even be seen as downright arrogant.

A good, healthy self image in some circles (and I hate to say it, but religious circles come to mind), could be frowned upon as pride. And while this can be a fine line sometimes, there are ample examples in the Bible where a good self image, self love, or self acceptance is encouraged. This verse comes to mind (my apologies to non-Bible readers…I happen to come from a Christian background!):

"…The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no greater commandment than these." (Mark 12:31)

Over the past several months I’ve really challenged myself to take a look at who I am. For many, many years I allowed the labels of my childhood to shape me. I would even admit that I’ve allowed people in recent years to tell me who I am.

But in the quiet of my heart I’ve always known I was meant for more. I’ve felt it. When I’ve taken steps toward that destiny, I’ve often pulled myself back out of fear (see Identity Crisis: When Beliefs Clash with Capabilities to get an idea of what I mean).

To be continued…

If I really want to change something in my life (career, income, relationships, physical appearance, etc.), I have to take a good look at what I believe about it. The bigger the gap between where I am today and where I want to be tomorrow, the more diligently I need to close it with what I believe I am capable of doing.

I’ve heard it said that success is an inside job, meaning that a HUGE chunk of what it takes to be successful is this mastering of what’s going on inside my head.

I tell you, THIS has been one of my strongest points of resistance.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, though, that my beliefs control the show. I won’t do anything without having the smallest kernel of belief that I can do it in the first place.

“It is impossible to perform consistently in a manner inconsistent with the way we see ourselves…we usually act in direct response to our self-image. Nothing is more difficult to accomplish than changing outward actions without changing inward feelings.”

(John Maxwell, The Winning Attitude, p. 70)

Now here’s a prescription for future frustration: Being consistently inconsistent! 

So how do I develop that confidence to step out and become that new person?

By developing certainty about who I am.

If any old schmo can sway my belief by just how confidently and authoritatively they convey their message to me, then certainly I can do the same when I speak to myself in a similar manner.

“I am” statements can be a pretty powerful means to accomplishing this (see Starter Thoughts to Creating an Empowering Ritual for Success).

More to come…

Confidence. There’s something about having it that makes people want to believe you, follow you, trust you. People who know who they are and where they’re headed are like magnets. They have a sense of certainty that draws others into their belief.

Have you ever walked down a grocery aisle looking for something and stopped to ask a clerk where you could find it? Now, if they said “Ummm…I think it’s in aisle 9…” how certain would you feel about walking all the way down to aisle 9 if you were in aisle 2?

Ever find yourself lost and decided to pull over at a gas station to ask for help? What if the attendant said something like,

“Well…I’m new in town, but I think if you just turn left at the corner over there, you should be heading in the right direction.”

How confident would you feel about turning left at the corner?

There are, however, people who speak with such certainty, such confidence, that I can’t help but believe they are completely knowledgeable in whatever it is they are conveying to me - whether opinions, expertise, or heck, even directions to the next town!

Now here’s the interesting thing, they could have all the confidence in the world and STILL not know what they’re talking about!!! In fact, I can think of a handful of individuals over the course of my life who have had that level of confidence…and in restrospect, they knew SQUAT.

Now here’s what I’m really trying to say…

If I am prone to question or perhaps even blow off someone who lacks confidence in something on the one hand and completely believe or trust someone who has a ton of certainty about a subject on the other hand (whether they do or don’t know what they’re talking about is irrelevant), what if…

WHAT IF…I developed confidence about something to such a degree that I believed whatever I told myself about it?

And what if that confidence was in something about myself…an ability, a quality, a character trait.

What if it was a confidence IN myself? Forget about the subject.

Hmmmmm…something to think about…

Where does fear come from and what purpose does it serve? I would venture to say (and I know I’ve read it somewhere) that fear is a protective mechanism. It keeps me from doing things that could potentially hurt me or put me in danger.

So in that regard, fear is my friend.

But what about fears that stem from events in my past or from what other people have said or done to me? They seem real enough. Couldn’t they be protecting me too?

I’ve alluded a couple of times on this blog to some, er…less than stellar periods in my childhood. Kids can be cruel. Kids without restraint can be downright vicious.

Second period math class in the 7th grade was my time for fear conditioning.

Let’s see…jeering, taunting, gesturing, labeling, name-calling, full-out rejection…. That pretty much summed up what it was like every time I walked into that classroom, with really no breaks at all.

I was ever so thankful for holidays, weekends, and the summer vacation I was able to finally leave that class behind for good…

…or so I thought.

I kept the memories.

 Or maybe they kept me…

“I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” (Mark Twain)

Throughout my adulthood I’ve found my mind playing tricks on me when it’s come to these memories.

I saw many of the worst culprits from my junior high days several years ago at my 20 year high school reunion. They were so mellow they wouldn’t hurt a fly!

And yet, even after seeing these men and women in the present day, I found that the old memories still persisted, creating these imaginary fears of people and what they thought about me. 

So if in time I’ve come to realize that the traumas of my past were still in my past, what do I do in the present time?

False
Evidence
Appearing
Real 

I used to think that acronym was a little hokey until I began to understand how my imagination could work either for or against me.

What I’ve come to realize is that I have a choice when it comes to my fears, especially the ones that could stand to cripple me as I attempt to move forward.

A lot of times it involves completely blocking out the fear, ignoring it, and just doing whatever it is I have to do despite it. When I did my little exercise meeting and striking up conversations with strangers (see Identity Transformation: Using Gentle Persuasion to Change Your Beliefs) that’s what I was doing.

I’ve played various sports (basketball, volleyball, softball) for the sole purpose of learning to master my fears. I ended up having a lot of fun and picking up some new skills in the process.

Ultimately, what really happens when I face my fears is that I end up teaching myself a whole new way to be, think, and do. I become a different person.

I change.

Early last year I attended a meeting for entrepreneurs and business owners in the Chicago area. At one point the moderator asked each of us to identify what we were afraid of. I honestly can’t remember anyone else’s answer, but I sure do remember mine: People.

Now mind you, many of these individuals had known me for several years and I could tell by the looks on their faces that they were a little in disbelief as to what I just said.

To those who know me, I appear to be an outgoing individual. I’m the guy who LOVES karaoke! And many of the people in the room that day had come to know me as someone who had already achieved a certain level of success in what I was doing. In fact, everything that got me to where I was involved people!

So what up with this fear of people???

Wow! Well, this one will take a few posts to unpack, that’s for sure!

Let me put a warning label/disclaimer on this series:

While I will talk about the past, and even to a degree the present, I am more and more convinced that neither past nor present make a hill of beans difference when it comes to determining my future. Nil. Zip. Nada squada.

Okay, now that that’s out there, let me tell you what I think about some sections of my childhood: They sucked. Note that I said “sections,” not my entire childhood!

I am 42 years old, and while memories of the past do creep up on me from time to time and cause this kind of “fear seizure,” all I can say is “who cares?” There will always be something.

And I’ve also come to realize that there are plenty of new and recent memories that cause the same kinds of responses in me that the old ones do, which makes me think, “hmmmmm…maybe there’s something else behind this…”

“You might ask, ‘Isn’t my identity limited by my experience?’ No, it’s limited by your interpretation of your experience. Your identity is nothing but the decisions you’ve made about who you are, what you’ve decided to fuse yourself with.”

(Tony Robbins, Awaken the Giant Within, p. 419)

Very intriguing…

I don’t know about you, but the moment I decide that I want to change something in my life, all of my resistance sets in.

I had a Sheltie growing up and it always cracked me up whenever I pulled her chain hard to come with me. She would always pull back. We’re talking full-out resistance and totally digging her paws in the ground so as not to budge! 

I remember times I would pull her leash hard on purpose just to watch her do it. It never failed. She would aways fight me!

The best approach was to gently coax her and lightly pull her leash. She would always go where I wanted when I handled her that way!

“As we develop new beliefs about who we are, our behavior will change to support the new identity.”

(Tony Robbins, Awaken the Giant Within, p. 416)

I firmly believe it’s possible to do almost anything I set my mind to. It’s the “setting my mind to” part that’s the most challenging! This requires cooperation and gentle coaxing with myself. The forced approach rarely works.

You see, when I set my mind to doing something new or unfamiliar, I dig my own “paws” in the ground to resist moving forward.

Several years ago I was invited to help facilitate a workshop designed to assist attendees in breaking through the things that held them back. I figured I should probably do my own homework on that subject and decided to spend the day walking around busy areas of town and practice introducing myself to and talking with strangers.

The thought of doing this practically put me in a state of paralysis.

How did I get past that? I began imagining myself meeting people and having a great experience doing it. I began developing a positive picture in my mind of what I was going to do and then I just started doing it.

I had a blast!

So what am I talking about here? My beliefs about who I am and what I can do are malleable rather than fixed. They can change.

Imagination, visualization, meditation, affirmations…these are all methods of gently coaxing my new beliefs forward until they become part of me. New behaviors are sure to follow.

Give it a try!