Pardon my procrastination over tackling the topic of separating self worth from performance. Of the 10 ways of handling discouragement on the way to success, this hits veeeeery close to home.

This one probably takes the most mental discipline too.

I am currently working on a plan and schedule for a business enterprise. I see everything in my mind and have gone so far as to write out several things in the form of goals and action steps.

But I haven’t gotten everything out the way I see it in my mind and I feel a little frustrated by that. Even with the few steps I have taken, I still find I’m judging myself pretty harshly.

Some of this just ties into learning to be realistic (see Handling Discouragement: Being Realistic).

But the other component ties into this concept of learning to separate self worth from performance.

Let’s face it, we’ve all been taught since an early age that positive performance gets rewarded, whether it’s good grades in school, sales from a presentation, or a promotion during a review.

But whether I do or don’t accomplish a goal, who I am at the core and my value as an individual never changes. I’m a human being, not a human doing.

I can’t increase my worth through achievement and I can’t take it away by non-achievement.

So what can I change? How about the level of my self-image, my self-esteem?

“High self-esteem seeks the challenge and stimulation of worthwhile and demanding goals.”

(Nathaniel Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, p. 6)

Instead of attempting to grab meaning, purpose, value, etc. from external cues (approval, love, acceptance, etc. for performance…much, if not all, is out of my control anyhow), I can grab it from the inside by the things I tell myself.

(For more on self talk, see Developing an Empowering Ritual - A Building Block for Transformation)

I was a little uncertain how to approach this topic. Since when does going after any type of goal or dream have ANYTHING to do with being realistic??

I mean, I think a lot of people (myself included!) are guilty of shrinking their goals down to doable, managable, and realistic objectives. Right? I think that’s what keeps a lot of us feeling frustrated, broke, and depressed.

So again, how does being realistic help manage disappointment on the way to achieving success?

Okaaaaaay… How about I pull out a mirror? Can I honestly look myself in the eye and say,

“You have every right to feel discouraged. You did everything you could. No one understands how hard you’ve worked for it!”

Ahhhhh… But are my expectations realistic? Are my actions in line with my commitment? Or am I really only a day dreamer, totally squeamish when my goals require effort beyond the minimum?

Sometimes discouragement is really a mask for the fear of learning something new. Say my skill level is at a 2 and I demand it to be 10 or above…yesterday…without any practice or effort. Is THAT realistic?

The following video is pretty heartbreaking to watch. I see a lot of myself in this guy, someone who is really struggling with the idea of breaking out of his own self-limiting beliefs. Bear with the minute or so of introduction…

This guy is clearly discouraged. But is he being realistic in regards to his expectations?

Or is a different level of commitment and belief required to help him reach his ultimate destination of success as a dancer?

He fought to get to this stage of the competition only to give up so quickly. It’s mind-boggling. But I’m sure we all know someone like that in our lives…