I’ve heard it said that life is like a game. People who are able to  objectively negotiate through its challenges and setbacks, as well as its successes and wins, stand to be winners…no matter how the game goes.

Sometimes the winds of life blow hard, and depending on which direction I am headed, the wind can either be at my back or practically knocking me over. Wind is wind. It does not have a personal agenda for or against me.

Let me put it a different way. Think about a traffic jam. Ugh. Chicago traffic at rush hour can be the worst, and there are times when I can really let it get to me.

But it’s not like everyone in the jam is out to make my time of driving a miserable experience. They’re all just trying to get somewhere too!

Being able to handle frustrating moments without letting them take me down is a skill I’m finding worth developing.

Going back to the game metaphor, I can choose whether life’s frustrations and hardships are a meaningless game of chance or whether they are a game that has a purpose and can be mastered through strategies that can be learned. 

Which is more empowering?

If I believe that stuff just happens to me, I can focus on the belief that life just isn’t fair and definitely not worth going after with zeal and enthusiasm. I’m a victim.

If I believe that a higher purpose may be governing the events in my life, then I stand to feel better about what is happening.

There is a verse in the Bible that I really like:

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God…" (Romans 8:28)

Even if you are not of the Christian faith, this is an extremely powerful belief for anyone to employ in their life!

Seeing everything as working for me is very empowering.

Everything that happens in my life, good, bad, or indifferent, works for my good.

Mind you, I’m not talking about sugarcoating every tragedy that occurs and pasting on a fake smile to mask the pain. I’m talking about acknowledging that the things that happen in my life are not happening in a vacuum, but rather these things, when looked at over the larger scheme of time, are working together for my good.

And I won’t say that the God of this universe would be so picky as to discriminate against those who do not know, love, or believe in him, because my belief is that he is ALWAYS reaching out and speaking to people and working things out for them because that is just who he is.

Again, that’s my belief, and not everyone believes what I believe…

But let’s say we don’t even bring faith or religion or anything like that into the equation.

Holding strongly to a belief that life prepares, educates, and teaches lessons for our good, even good that may be way off into the future, can still be an extremely healthy way to engage with the things that happen in it.

I recently became acquainted with a guy who has written a memoir of his addiction to and journey out of using Crystal Meth. I’m only about 25 pages into his story, but I am amazed at this man who got caught up in this stuff, overcame it, and is now using his skills as a writer to reach other people and help them learn from HIS experience.

He is deliberately choosing not to see himself as a victim of the circumstances in his life, but rather becoming a champion for a cause that very few are willing to take up. He is very passionate about it.

History and modern times are full of examples of people like Terry. People who choose to look at their lives a little differently, taking responsibilty for the lessons learned, growing through them, and passing on the knowledge to others.  

They see calling and purpose out of the cards dealt to them.

I look at my own life. There are days when I’m like, "What is up here???" However, I’ve learned more and more to trust the process and believe that everything happens for a reason.

Hardships make me stronger. Fears develop courage. Disappointments create resolve.

There’s a popular saying I used to hear a lot when I was in sales: "Sometimes you gotta roll with the punches."

So today, I choose to treat life like a game that has a purpose…and not any old purpose…a purpose that works for my good!

When it comes to adopting new habits, beliefs, and ways of thinking, it comes down to , quite literally, a matter of growing a new brain.

For many decades, scientists and biologists believed that the brains we were born with were not capable of growth or expansion. If sections of the brain were damaged through traumas such as accidents or strokes, it was pretty much tough luck, according to the experts.

But thankfully, through the persistent investigation of scientists, researchers, and average everyday lay people, it has been discovered and proven that the brain is quite capable of expansion, growth, healing, and change.

This is great news for everyone!

For a long time the brain was viewed as a machine that was "hardwired" and unchangeable.

A friend and reader of this blog recently turned me on to a book called "The Brain That Changes Itself," by Norman Doidge, MD. Dr. Doidge chronicles the stories of people who have investigated what has come to be known as "brain plasticity."

"At first many of the scientists didn’t dare use the word ‘neuroplasticity’ in their publications, and their peers belittled them for promoting a fanciful notion. Yet they persisted, slowly overturning the doctrine of the unchanging brain.

They showed that children are not always stuck with the mental abilities they are born with; that the damaged brain can often reorganize itself so that when one part fails, another can often substitute; that if brain cells die, they can at times be replaced; that many ‘circuits’ and even basic reflexes that we think are hardwired are not."

(Norman Doidge, M.D., The Brain That Changes Itself, p. xix)

I think one of the greatest dangers in this world is not terrorism, war, or disease…it’s a closed mind. I’ve seen a mind like this - rigid, unyielding, unteachable, legalistic - leave a path of despair, hurt, and confusion in its wake.

Friendships have been lost, businesses have folded, and lives have been ruined because of people who have been unwilling to open their minds, think out of the box, or view things from a different perspective.

I propose that no matter where any of us are today, we can change ourselves. I would not be writing this blog if I did not believe it possible. 

But it all comes down to taking responsibility for the change. Even if I walk down to my local church, pray the sinner’s prayer, and get dunked in a baptismal tank, I am responsible for walking out that change in daily living!

Nothing comes without effort. Ask any Olympian!

The story is told of a trapeze artist who was teaching a student how to overcome his fear of performing on one of the high bars of the trapeze:

"I can’t do it! I can’t do it!" [the student] gasped. …In a reassuring tone [the instructor] told him, "Son, you can do it! And I tell you how. Throw your heart over the bar and your body will follow."

Throw your heart over the bar and your body will follow. That is such an amazing image!

I know what it’s like to be high up. A few years ago I had the opportunity to fling myself toward a trapeze bar too. It was during an exercise at a Tony Robbins event in Puerto Rico.

All of us [courageous] participants climbed these very tall poles, perched ourselves atop the skinny mounts, and leaped for the trapeze bar. Some of us fell crashing to our deaths…

(okay, that was for dramatic emphasis…remember we were all harnessed in, no one died!)

…like I was saying, some of us missed the trapeze and hung suspended by the cables.

Some chickened out and climbed back down the pole. And others went for it with all they had and grabbed that sucker.

Well, of course I grabbed it! Do you think I’d be writing this if I didn’t??? 

There was no way in heck I was heading back home with the regret of missing my opportunity to clinch that bar! (That’s me in the pics at the bottom of this post.)

I remember just seeing myself grab ahold of that bar and then I went for it. What an exhilerating feeling!

"A small amount of ability and a lot of desire will go a long way."
(Dr. Tom Massey, The ABC’s of Effective Leadership, p. 80)

This ability to see myself as being somewhere or doing something before it happens is so powerful. It is SO POWERFUL!

I’m experiencing this right now. I started this nightly ritual of taking an evening shower before heading off to bed.

I have a visualization of my perfect day laminated and stuck on the shower wall. It details the things I want to feel and do when I wake up, the people I want to meet and connect with throughout the day, and the types of results and successes I want to experience.

I read this visualization while I’m relaxing in the shower and just let my imagination flow.

Then I go to bed.

Then I wake up.

And I do it again! I take a morning shower and read the same visualization. Thoughts and ideas come to me and I feel all this courage to take action on what I see in my imagination.

And I take action.

This has been so much fun.

Wait. Fun isn’t strong enough!

It’s exciting, thrilling, energizing!! It’s self-perpetuating, growing, and compounding.

I step out in one area I imagine, and I get a flood of new ideas, desires, and thoughts of other things I can be doing.

And my belief in myself sky-rockets.

"We are either the masters or the victims of our attitudes. It is a matter of personal choice. Who we are today is the result of choices made yesterday. Tomorrow we will become what we choose today. To change means to choose to change."

(John Maxwell, The Winning Attitude, p. 145)

So I continue to climb that pole and leap for the bar.

And I’m doing it before my body ever reaches it!

Ever hear the term "elephant in the china shop"? I’ve often heard it used in relation to a secret that everyone knows but no one will talk about or admit. It’s a subject that requires special handling lest everything come crashing down. Daddy’s drinking problem. Uncle Johnny’s gambling habit. Cousin Sally’s divorce.

I remember being in a "china shop" situation several years ago. I was facilitating a workshop of entrepreneurs and business owners.

About 20 men and women were gathered in a small hotel conference room, processing the end of an intense weekend of letting go of lot of emotional baggage.

I remember one of the participants vividly. She had a scowl on her face the entire weekend.

Her husband was with her, but unlike her, he was warm, friendly, and always had a smile on his face. While he freely participated in all of the activities, she always seemed to be holding back.

At the end of this long weekend everyone had the opportunity to process their experience, get feedback, and receive assistance with any remaining issues they felt they needed help with.

When it came time for this woman to speak up, we got an earful: How she resented his ability to be at peace with himself when 20 or 30 years ago he had done such and such to her.

Now "such and such" turned out to be something completely minor and petty. I couldn’t believe this woman nursed such hatred and resentment for her husband over such a long period of time over something so trivial.

Everyone was trying to make her feel better, in essence to rescue her from her feelings. They were just talking at her - blah, blah, blah.

Meanwhile, I started feeling this anger boiling inside me. Here I’m supposed to be facilitating everything and I’m starting to have this emotional reaction to what was going on with this woman, and all the well-meaning individuals who were attempting to placate her feelings.

Maybe it was because I had been the target of similarly vicious assaults of pettiness in my past. Maybe it was because I had taken the brunt of completely irrational hatred at one time or another.

Whatever it was…I LOST IT.

Yes I did. Lost it.

I launched into this woman with the most colorful language anyone had ever heard come out of my mouth at that point:

"How dare you hold this against him and not forgive him! He’s told you over and over again that he was sorry. He’s asked your forgiveness, and yet you keep holding it over him like that. Who do you think you are??? You have to forgive him. It’s your problem now, not his."

Everyone’s jaws dropped. I was beat red. The head guy was about ready to intervene.

I don’t remember much of what happened afterward. I do remember feeling ashamed for being so hard on that woman. In fact, I remember questioning what I had done and really beating myself up about it.

Now here’s the amazing thing. I saw the coordinater of the worshop nearly a year later. He told me that after I confronted her she changed. She became a client of his and started working on her stuff. She became warmer, more friendly, and was a totally different person.

She let go and forgave her husband.

I have no idea why I was the person appointed to the deliver the goods to this person. I suspect there were others who could have, but were probably focused on soothing the symptoms rather than diagnosing the problem. A lot of people do that though. Who wants to rock the boat and potentially lose a friend?

I’m not sure that I would recommend my particular approach, but I will say that the times I’ve grown the most have been when people (friends, coaches, mentors, etc.) have confronted me. They didn’t shove truth down my throat, but they did shine the light in such a way that I either saw things from a different perspective or became aware of my blind spots.

Confrontation isn’t easy, and the truth can often be both very revealing and very cutting at the same time.

But it can also be very healing.

And a starting point for change.

Children have such wonderful imaginations. Get around a little kid for awhile and you will inevitably get the sense that anything is possible for them…at all of 5, 6, 7 years old!

They are teachers, firefighters, policemen, soldiers, presidents, celebrities. Their imaginations are usually completely unbridled! And they usually have no fear either. They will try and do just about anything. They exhibit amazing confidence and determination until…

Ahhhhh, yes. Until.

Until the adult world begins to squeeze them into that teeny, weeny constrictive box. Their dreams become systematically dismantled. They hear the word "no" over and over again. They become ridiculed for their goals of wanting to be, do, and become more.

In essence: They become adults.

It’s sad but true. Fear overcomes faith. Reality replaces dreams. Mediocre becomes the highest standard for earning the measliest of raises.

But what happened to that childlike imagination? What happened to believing we could become whoever we wanted to be?

I will be bold as to say it never went away. It lies in all us, albeit dormant for many.

I sincerely believe everyone was brought into the world for a reason. Each of us has unique abilities that were meant to be contributed for the betterment of the world around us. I am a man of faith, so I believe that God put me here for a reason and that he has prepared specific things for me to do.

But for all the reasons I am writing this blog, I have my "hang-ups," the adult issues of living in a world where it isn’t always cool to think so differently from your neighbor, rock the boat, or trip up the status quo. You can read about some of my challenges in The Before Story…The Starting Point for Change.

So what to do…

How about getting back to dreaming and imagining like a child? Afterall, that ability never went away, though it may take some coaxing to come back for some.

I’ve been talking about affirmations, self-declarations, "I Am" statements, and the like. I guess to be brutally honest, it comes down to being like a kid again.

Who cares if whatever you’re declaring isn’t happening now? It could, couldn’t it?

Who cares if I’m not that kind of person today? I could be someday, couldn’t I?

And if I or anyone else is living a mediocre or unfulfilled existence right now, then isn’t it possible to believe that the only way is up??? Or would is it bettter to go down a few more levels until we’re six feet under?

So, I am now entering the Dream Zone. Yes, DREAM. As in IMAGINATION.

Here’s who I am…

I am creative.
I am an entrepreneur.
I am a man with a mission.
I am a man discoving his purpose.
I am a communicator.
I am a networker.
I am an artist.
I am a wordsmith.
I am an influencer.
I am a child of God.
I am growing.
I am determined.
I am courageous.
I am confident.
I am a leader.

When I look up my name in the dictionary I see:

"A man determined to overcome all odds to fulfill his mission and purpose in life. Bright, energetic, and highly creative. A person of great influence. A leader. Courageous and willing to go after whatever he wants no matter how difficult."

Many affirmations are declarations of what is already true, but perhaps forgotten or buried under years of neglect. Other affirmations are declarations of attributes that are sought after.

And if the world has beaten the dreamer out of any of us, many affirmations could very well be the bridge back to who we were destined to become when we were placed on this planet in the first place.

I am only limited by the scope of my imagination.

So dream, and dream BIG.

When it comes to changing myself, it is my core beliefs - the ones that are central to who I am as a person - that really need to be addressed. Attempting to change myself without looking at the beliefs I hold inside is like having all the lines memorized but delivering the performance without any connection to the part that’s being played.

My favorite summer TV show is So You Think You Can Dance. There are some great dancers competing on the show, but every season there are a handful of dancers who, though they have amazing technical skills, really struggle when it comes to letting their feelings and emotions come through the dance. The judges will often comment that they had a hard time believing the performance because they could not feel anything coming from the dancers.

It’s one thing to believe something in my head. It’s quite another thing to believe it in my heart.

So how do I get to that place? How about my subconscious mind…

"Many names have been used to distinguish the two functions of the mind. These include…the conscious and the subconscious mind…

"A wonderful way to begin getting to know the two functions of your mind is to think of it as a garden.

"You are the gardener. You are planting seeds of thought in your subconscious mind all day long…

"Imagine your subconscious mind as a bed of rich soil that will help all kinds of seeds to sprout and flourish, whether good or bad." (Joseph Murphy, The Power of Your Subconscious Mind, p. 6)

I think this paints such a great picture of the possibilities.

The choice of what kind of seed I spread over my subconscious mind is really up to me. I don’t know about you, but I’m always telling myself things throughout the day.

When I beat myself up continually, I stand to reap a harvest of weeds.

But when I focus on the positive, where I’m headed, the areas I want to change, well then, I stand to produce a nice crop of empowering beliefs.

Most times when I repeat or meditate on my affirmations I really do feel as though something is being planted in me. It’s the oddest thing.

…to be continued again!

I’m wondering if anyone who read yesterday’s post thought I’d let that childhood "I am nothing…I am nobody" declaration slip by without further discussion… Nah!

I’ve often wondered about that little childhood mis-affirmation. It does seem kind of strange that at such a young age I was saying such things. I won’t dissect the psychology of it, but I will say that it shows (for some of us) that even the wackiest of beliefs can be set in us at an early age.

Listen to this insight about the circus elephant…

"While still young and weak, an elephant is tied by a heavy chain to an immovable iron stake. He discovers that, no matter how hard he tries, he cannot break the chain or move the stake.

"Then, no matter how large and strong the elephant becomes, he continues to believe he cannot move as long as he sees the stake in the ground beside him.  

"Many intelligent adults behave like the circus elephant. They are restrained in thought, action and results. They never move further than the boundaries of self-imposed limitation." (John Maxwell, The Winning Attitude, p. 81)

Raising the level of my self image takes consistent, persistent work, but I can still adopt new beliefs about myself immediately. Nothing stops me from doing that (check out a cool post from Craig Harper about that here).

It’s the continual working out of those beliefs in me that causes them to grow so that what’s on the outside matches what’s on the inside.

So change, being an inside job, requires a whole new way of thinking. I like what the Bible says about it (okay, here I go again with another verse, but Jesus came up with a good analogy for this one…so I’m puttin’ it in here!):

"Nor do people put new wine into old wineskins; otherwise the wineskins burst, and the wine pours out and the wineskins are ruined; but they put new wine into fresh wineskins, and both are preserved." 
(Matthew 9:17)

Tony Robbins says something similar:

"If you’ve repeatedly attempted to make a particular change in your life, only to continually fall short, invariably the challenge is that you were trying to create a behavioral or emotional shift that was inconsistent with your belief about who you are." (Tony Robbins, Awaken the Giant Within, p. 417)

To be continued…again.

While I grew up an only kid, I was fortunate to have lots and lots of cousins (my dad had nine brothers and sisters). To this day a group of my older cousins still kid me about what I told them once when they asked me who I was. I couldn’t have been more than 5 or 6 years old at the time.

Apparently I told them, "Nothing." As in, "I am nothing, I am nobody."

I still don’t remember this but my cousins insist that’s what I told them. And it must have made an impression because it almost always comes up at every family gathering.

I’m sure you’ve been to a meeting, party, restaurant, business function, etc. where inevitably the question gets asked, "What do you do?"

Does anyone really even say what they do? It’s more something like, "I’m a project manager." "I’m a teacher." "I’m a business consultant." 

For the person who isn’t particularly proud of what they do, it can be an awkward moment. It might come out something like…

"I’m just a _________."

It can be equally awkward (or overwhelming, depending on your perspective) for the person who’s listening, because they might just be scratching their head wondering just what "________" is.

I’m an amateur when it comes to psychology, but I kind of have a hunch that declarations of who we are as individuals can be frought with a fair amount of anxiety or discomfort, regardless of whether we have high or low opinions of ourselves.

For the person who doesn’t feel good about themselves, the "who am I" question can be feel a little embarrassing. All the better to slap a quick job title on themselves and call it a day.

For the person who feels great about themselves and wants to let the whole world know, well, they can be received with suspicion, a kind of "who do you think you are?" attitude. They could even be seen as downright arrogant.

A good, healthy self image in some circles (and I hate to say it, but religious circles come to mind), could be frowned upon as pride. And while this can be a fine line sometimes, there are ample examples in the Bible where a good self image, self love, or self acceptance is encouraged. This verse comes to mind (my apologies to non-Bible readers…I happen to come from a Christian background!):

"…The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no greater commandment than these." (Mark 12:31)

Over the past several months I’ve really challenged myself to take a look at who I am. For many, many years I allowed the labels of my childhood to shape me. I would even admit that I’ve allowed people in recent years to tell me who I am.

But in the quiet of my heart I’ve always known I was meant for more. I’ve felt it. When I’ve taken steps toward that destiny, I’ve often pulled myself back out of fear (see Identity Crisis: When Beliefs Clash with Capabilities to get an idea of what I mean).

To be continued…

If I really want to change something in my life (career, income, relationships, physical appearance, etc.), I have to take a good look at what I believe about it. The bigger the gap between where I am today and where I want to be tomorrow, the more diligently I need to close it with what I believe I am capable of doing.

I’ve heard it said that success is an inside job, meaning that a HUGE chunk of what it takes to be successful is this mastering of what’s going on inside my head.

I tell you, THIS has been one of my strongest points of resistance.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, though, that my beliefs control the show. I won’t do anything without having the smallest kernel of belief that I can do it in the first place.

“It is impossible to perform consistently in a manner inconsistent with the way we see ourselves…we usually act in direct response to our self-image. Nothing is more difficult to accomplish than changing outward actions without changing inward feelings.”

(John Maxwell, The Winning Attitude, p. 70)

Now here’s a prescription for future frustration: Being consistently inconsistent! 

So how do I develop that confidence to step out and become that new person?

By developing certainty about who I am.

If any old schmo can sway my belief by just how confidently and authoritatively they convey their message to me, then certainly I can do the same when I speak to myself in a similar manner.

“I am” statements can be a pretty powerful means to accomplishing this (see Starter Thoughts to Creating an Empowering Ritual for Success).

More to come…

Confidence. There’s something about having it that makes people want to believe you, follow you, trust you. People who know who they are and where they’re headed are like magnets. They have a sense of certainty that draws others into their belief.

Have you ever walked down a grocery aisle looking for something and stopped to ask a clerk where you could find it? Now, if they said “Ummm…I think it’s in aisle 9…” how certain would you feel about walking all the way down to aisle 9 if you were in aisle 2?

Ever find yourself lost and decided to pull over at a gas station to ask for help? What if the attendant said something like,

“Well…I’m new in town, but I think if you just turn left at the corner over there, you should be heading in the right direction.”

How confident would you feel about turning left at the corner?

There are, however, people who speak with such certainty, such confidence, that I can’t help but believe they are completely knowledgeable in whatever it is they are conveying to me - whether opinions, expertise, or heck, even directions to the next town!

Now here’s the interesting thing, they could have all the confidence in the world and STILL not know what they’re talking about!!! In fact, I can think of a handful of individuals over the course of my life who have had that level of confidence…and in restrospect, they knew SQUAT.

Now here’s what I’m really trying to say…

If I am prone to question or perhaps even blow off someone who lacks confidence in something on the one hand and completely believe or trust someone who has a ton of certainty about a subject on the other hand (whether they do or don’t know what they’re talking about is irrelevant), what if…

WHAT IF…I developed confidence about something to such a degree that I believed whatever I told myself about it?

And what if that confidence was in something about myself…an ability, a quality, a character trait.

What if it was a confidence IN myself? Forget about the subject.

Hmmmmm…something to think about…